You Were Never Meant to Be the Perfect Mum. Diving into Perfectionism in Parenting with Dr. Bianca Mastromanno
Motherhood today often comes with an invisible pressure: the belief that we must get everything right. Be patient all the time. Know exactly what our baby needs. Never forget the water bottle. Never lose our cool. Never feel overwhelmed.
But the truth is, the “perfect mum” doesn’t exist.
In this episode of the Thriving Parenting Podcast, the host sits down with perinatal clinical psychologist Dr. Bianca Mastromanno to explore the idea of the “perfect mother myth.” Together, they unpack where these unrealistic expectations come from, why so many mothers feel crushed by them, and what research actually tells us about healthy parenting.
The conversation is both honest and deeply reassuring. Because according to science and lived experience, children don’t need perfect parents. They need good enough ones.
The “Perfect Mother” Myth
The idea of the perfect mum is everywhere.
It shows up in films, on social media, and in the stories we tell about motherhood. She’s endlessly patient. Her baby sleeps peacefully in a pram while she drinks coffee with friends. She instinctively understands every cry and every need.
But as Dr. Bianca explains, this image is largely a cultural narrative, not reality.
Many mothers are sold an idealised version of parenting. At the same time, they are often expected to carry the majority of the caregiving load. When those expectations collide with the real demands of raising children, it’s easy to assume the problem is personal.
“If I’m finding this hard,” many mums think, “there must be something wrong with me.”
In reality, the standards themselves are unrealistic.
Why Perfectionism Hits Some Mums Harder
Perfectionism doesn’t appear out of nowhere.
For many women, it’s shaped early in life. If someone grew up receiving praise mainly for performance, achievement, or doing things “right,” they may learn that their worth is tied to meeting high standards.
This pattern often works well in school or work environments. Achieve the goal, get the praise. Hit the target, earn the reward.
But motherhood doesn’t operate on a performance system.
There are no KPIs for parenting.
Children are unpredictable. Needs change constantly. And no matter how much preparation or research a parent does, things will not always go to plan.
For perfectionists, this unpredictability can feel deeply uncomfortable.
The Surprising Truth About “Good Enough” Parenting
One of the most powerful ideas discussed in the episode comes from paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who introduced the concept of the “good enough mother.”
His research found that parents do not need to respond perfectly all the time to raise secure children.
In fact, studies suggest that caregivers only need to be attuned about 30–40% of the time for a child to develop secure attachment.
This means:
Parents will miss cues sometimes
Babies will occasionally have to wait
Toddlers will experience frustration
And that’s not harmful.
It’s actually part of healthy development.
Children learn resilience not through perfect caregiving, but through the cycle of rupture and repair.
A rupture might look like a missed cue, a delayed response, or a moment of frustration. Repair happens when a parent reconnects, acknowledges the feeling, and offers comfort.
These moments teach children powerful lessons:
Difficult emotions are survivable
Relationships can recover after conflict
Support and safety still exist after distress
When Perfectionism Steals the Joy
Perfectionism can quietly drain the joy from parenting.
Many mums feel pressure to do everything “properly.” Homemade meals. Perfect routines. Immaculate homes. Calm responses at all times.
But constantly chasing perfection often leads to exhaustion and self-criticism.
Dr. Bianca shares how many parents only recognise their perfectionism after having multiple children. Suddenly, meeting every need immediately becomes impossible.
When two babies cry at once, someone has to wait.
And that realisation can trigger guilt or shame for parents who have been striving to do everything perfectly.
Over time though, many parents discover something freeing: letting go of perfection creates space for more joy and connection.
The Hidden Influence of Cultural Expectations
Another important layer is cultural pressure.
Mothers often feel heavily judged in public spaces when their child cries, has a tantrum, or behaves unpredictably. Even subtle reactions from strangers can reinforce the feeling that they are being evaluated.
At the same time, mothers are frequently praised less for the immense work they do daily.
Many parents carry the weight of trying to prove they are doing a good job, even when the people judging them are strangers whose opinions do not truly matter.
This external pressure can deepen perfectionist thinking.
Challenging Perfectionism
So how can parents begin loosening perfectionist expectations?
Dr. Bianca suggests starting with awareness.
One helpful exercise is to write two lists:
List One:
The expectations society or culture places on mothers.
List Two:
Your personal values as a parent.
Many people discover that the cultural expectations are far stricter than their own values. Recognising this difference can be a powerful step toward releasing unnecessary pressure.
Another important strategy is behavioural exposure: deliberately allowing imperfection.
This might mean:
Sending an email with minor typos
Serving an easy meal instead of cooking from scratch
Leaving some chores unfinished during nap time
At first, this can feel uncomfortable. But repeated exposure helps retrain the mind to see that nothing catastrophic happens when things are not perfect.
Practising Self-Compassion
One of the most powerful reflections Dr Bianca offers is simple.
Think about how you respond to your child when they are learning something new.
When a toddler falls while learning to walk, parents don’t criticise them. They offer encouragement and compassion.
“You’re learning. That was tricky. I’m here.”
But when parents themselves make a mistake, the inner dialogue is often very different.
Self-compassion means learning to offer ourselves the same kindness we naturally extend to our children.
The Parenting Your Child Actually Needs
Children do not need flawless parents.
They need caregivers who:
Show up most of the time
Repair after mistakes
Model kindness and humility
Allow imperfection to exist
Good parenting isn’t about eliminating mistakes. It’s about building relationships strong enough to grow through them.
In the end, perfection isn’t the goal.
Connection is.
And sometimes the most powerful thing a parent can do is remind themselves:
I was never meant to be perfect. I just need to be good enough.
