Why “Getting Your Baby to Sleep” Might Be Making It Harder

Why “Getting Your Baby to Sleep” Might Be Making It Harder

If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I’ve got to get my baby to sleep” or “I need to put them to sleep right now”, you’re not alone. For many parents, sleep quickly becomes one of the biggest items on the daily to-do list, not just for the baby’s wellbeing, but for our own sanity and rest too.

The problem? The more we hyperfocus on making sleep happen, the more it can start to feel like a battle. And in some cases, that pressure can actually make it harder for our little ones to drift off peacefully.

In this article, I want to share a powerful reframe that has helped hundreds of families shift from struggling with sleep to enjoying calmer, more connected rest.

The Pressure of “Getting Sleep Right”

Sleep is essential. We know it fuels our child’s growth, supports their development, and helps regulate their mood. We also know it’s crucial for our own mental health and ability to show up as the parent we want to be.

But when we approach sleep as a task to complete or a problem to fix — “I have to make them sleep” — we bring an energy of urgency and control to the moment. Not because we’re doing anything wrong, but because we care deeply.

Unfortunately, that urgency can be felt by our baby. And just as you probably wouldn’t drift off easily if someone hovered over you insisting you sleep right now, your baby can sense the pressure and find it harder to relax.

Why We Can’t “Make” a Baby Sleep

Here’s the truth: you can’t make another human being sleep.

In the newborn phase, it can seem like we can. We feed, rock, or cuddle, and they drift off. But as they grow, develop independence, and become more aware of their surroundings, they may resist those same techniques.

That resistance isn’t defiance, it’s a signal. It’s your child communicating:

• “I need something different now.”

• “I’m ready for a little more independence.”

• “The way we’ve been doing it isn’t what my body needs right now.”

When we treat these signals as cues instead of challenges, we open the door to evolving our sleep approach.

Shifting the Focus: From Control to Connection

If our role isn’t to “get” our baby to sleep, what is it?

Our role is to make the conditions for sleep feel safe, trusted, and calm. Because sleep is the byproduct of safety, not control.

Think about it: sleep is a deeply vulnerable state. We let go of awareness, close our eyes, and trust that the world around us is safe enough for rest. For a baby whose sense of safety is entirely based on perception, not logic. This means:

• Familiar voices

• Comforting smells and touch

• Consistent, loving presence (even if we’re not physically there the entire time)

When babies feel safe, they relax. And when they relax, sleep follows naturally.

How to Create a Safe, Connected Sleep Environment

1. Understand Their Sleep Needs
   Learn the biological norms for your baby’s age and stage, so you’re offering sleep opportunities at times they’re most likely ready. No need for rigid schedules, just a predictable rhythm that works for both of you.

2. Fill the Connection Cup Before Separation
   If your baby will be sleeping without your physical presence, focus on connection beforehand, extra cuddles, gentle play, singing, or a calming feed. This strengthens the “invisible string” between you, so they feel secure even when apart.

3. Observe and Respond to Cues
   Every sleep time is a fresh moment. Some days they’ll need more support; others, less. Follow their signals rather than forcing a set method.

4. Co-Regulate When Needed
   Your calm nervous system can help soothe theirs. Whether it’s through your voice, your touch, or simply your presence, you’re communicating: “You are safe. I’m here.”

5. Expand Their Sense of Safety Over Time
   If a baby has only one way to fall asleep (e.g., feeding, rocking), it can be limiting especially if that method stops working. Gradually introduce other safe, comforting conditions so they can adapt with less stress.

Why This Approach Works

When we focus on connection instead of control, we avoid triggering fight-or-flight responses that can keep both parent and baby on high alert. Instead, we help our children settle into the parasympathetic “rest and digest” state — the one that allows for deep, restorative sleep.

It’s not about never having moments of resistance or crying — those are part of being human. It’s about ensuring that even in those moments, our presence sends the message:

• You are loved.

• You are safe.

• I’m here.

Sleep will never be perfect every night, and that’s okay. Your baby’s needs will evolve, your methods will change, and there will be nights that test your patience. But if you can remember this one truth — sleep follows safety — you’ll have a guiding principle to return to whenever things feel hard.

So next time you feel that pressure rising to “get” your baby to sleep, take a breath. Focus on making the moment feel safe and connected. The rest will follow.

You’re doing beautifully, even when it feels messy.