Baby Bitesize: Why Drowsy But Awake Doesn’t Work (for most families)

Sleep. It's one of the most talked about, Googled, and worried-about topics for new parents. If you’ve found yourself pacing the floor, gently rocking your baby until they’re drowsy, then trying the much-celebrated “drowsy but awake” method—only to have them burst into tears the moment their back touches the cot—you are not alone.

In fact, you might be exactly where you need to be to learn something that could transform your entire sleep journey.

Welcome to Thriving Parenting’s latest baby bite-sized episode—a no-judgement space where we unpack the myths and real-life messiness of baby sleep, starting with the ever-popular but often misunderstood: drowsy but awake.

The “Drowsy But Awake” Dilemma

We often hear that putting babies down drowsy but awake is the holy grail of independent sleep. The idea is that if you time it right when baby is sleepy but not yet asleep—they will gently transition into slumber in their cot, learning to self-settle. It sounds lovely. Peaceful. Predictable.

But here’s the truth many parents are discovering: it doesn’t always work. And when it doesn’t, it can be emotionally and physically exhausting.

One mum recently reached out with a familiar story. Her four-month-old would appear calm when placed in the cot, only to erupt into screams minutes later. Attempts to pick up and put down—over and over—led to a long, drawn-out process that left everyone more worked up than rested.

Sound familiar?

You’re Not Failing—Your Baby is Communicating

Let’s reframe this. That failed transfer is not a failure in parenting. It’s a perfectly normal response from a baby doing what babies do best: noticing change and seeking safety.

Picture this: Your baby’s in your arms, warm, calm, maybe even heavy-limbed and relaxed. You gently transfer them to the cot, and suddenly... flailing arms, wide eyes, a cry that seems to say, Where did you go?

In that moment, your baby isn’t being difficult. They’re not resisting sleep just to test your patience. They’re expressing the most primal of instincts: I was safe, and now I’m not sure.

The Science Behind the Wake-Up

At around 3.5 to 5 months, babies undergo a massive transformation in their sleep architecture. This is known as sleep maturation. Before this, baby sleep operates in two basic stages: light and deep. But after this change, they begin experiencing adult-like sleep cycles.

And what comes with more complex sleep cycles? More opportunities to wake between them.

Here’s a quick breakdown:

• 0–10 minutes: Baby transitions from awake to drowsy

• 10–20 minutes: Lighter sleep—still easily disturbed

• 20–30 minutes: Deep sleep

• 30–45 minutes: Back to lighter sleep, prepping for a full wake-up

When you transfer a baby during or just before entering deep sleep, any shift in temperature, movement, or environment can jolt them awake. The cot—still, cool, and unfamiliar—just doesn’t compare to the warmth and rhythm of your arms.

The Cot Isn’t the Enemy—But the Method Might Be

If you're clinging to drowsy but awake because sometimes it works, but more often than not it leads to resistance, crying, or short naps—it's not your fault. You've been told it should work. That it’s the “right” way.

But here’s the thing: There is no one-size-fits-all in parenting.

Babies have different temperaments. Some are more hypervigilant to change. Others, more chilled. And all babies will eventually reach developmental milestones like separation anxiety (around six months), which further impact their ability to sleep alone.

So what’s happening when drowsy but awake stops working is not a regression, it’s a progression. It’s your baby growing, evolving, and needing a new approach.

Why It's Okay to Pivot

Let go of the guilt. If this method has become more of a stressor than a solution, it's not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that it's time to adapt.

Parenting tools are like clothes—sometimes they fit for a season, and then your child outgrows them.

There are other ways to help your baby sleep that don’t involve 10+ attempts to lay them down “just right.” You can build trust and a sense of safety in the cot gradually. You can support your baby’s developing brain with you, not against you.

Your Baby is Smart—and So Are You

When your baby wakes after 10 or 45 minutes and cries out for you, they’re not being manipulative. They’re remembering: last time I fell asleep, Mum was right here. That’s not manipulation. That’s intelligent pattern recognition. That’s survival instinct at work.

And as much as we want babies to sleep through the night, they’re wired to stay close, to check for safety. To connect.

You’re not failing them by holding them. You’re responding to an innate biological need. One that—over time—can be gently reshaped into new routines as their brains and bodies mature.

Practical Support is Here for You

If you’re at your wit’s end, you don’t need to figure this out alone. That’s where Thriving Parenting steps in.

We offer a free sleep clarity session—a chance to unpack what’s going on for your unique baby and get personalised advice.

And if you're ready to dive deeper, check out our Thriving Together Membership, which includes the Arms to Cot Coaching Course. You'll learn step-by-step how to create peaceful, sustainable cot settles that honour your baby’s nervous system and your own wellbeing.

And the best part? It’s all grounded in empathy, evidence, and realism. No cry-it-out. No shame. Just sturdy, compassionate support for you and your baby—together.

Let me leave you with a quote that resonated with so many parents in our community:

“You can be wildly in love with your child and still dream of silence, solitude, and sleep. That doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human.”

If “drowsy but awake” has become a nightly battle, maybe it’s time to retire it with love and move toward something that actually works for your baby—and for you.

You’re not alone. You’re not broken. And there are better nights ahead.