Is Chasing Self-Soothing Sabotaging Your Baby’s Sleep? A Sleep Coach’s Perspective
What if the goal isn’t teaching your baby to self-soothe, but supporting them while they develop the skills that eventually make sleep easier?
As a sleep coach for almost 6 years, I’ve worked with countless families who feel weighed down by the idea that their baby must learn to self-soothe. This belief, while common, often does more harm than good. Instead of leading to better sleep, it ramps up pressure, heightens stress, and leaves parents feeling further from the calm, restful nights they’re longing for.
The Truth About Self-Soothing
One of the biggest misconceptions in the baby sleep world is that self-soothing is a skill babies need to learn. In reality, emotional regulation is a lifelong developmental process. Even as adults, we don’t always regulate our emotions independently. We seek comfort from partners, call a friend, go for a walk, have a cry, or reach for support when life feels overwhelming.
What we often call “self-soothing” in babies is usually the presence of self-regulatory behaviours. Things like sucking on their fingers, rubbing a comforter, rolling into a preferred position, humming, or pausing briefly before calling out. These behaviours can help a child maintain or return to a calm state, but they are not the same thing as independently regulating all of their emotions.
Some babies begin showing these behaviours from around 3-4 months, while others rely more heavily on caregiver support for much longer. Both are normal. The important thing to remember is that these behaviours tend to emerge when a child already feels safe and regulated enough to access them. They are not something that can be forced, taught on command, or expected before a child is developmentally ready.
What to Focus on Instead
Rather than focusing on teaching self-soothing, I encourage parents to focus on creating safety, connection, and opportunities for regulation. Over time, as a child’s nervous system matures and their experiences of support accumulate, they naturally develop a wider range of ways to settle, cope, and eventually regulate themselves.
Model Self-Regulation
Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to feel calm when someone else’s presence feels calm and steady?Babies are constantly learning about the world through their relationships. They look to us for cues about safety, comfort, and connection. This doesn’t mean you need to be calm all the time (an impossible task when you’re parenting on broken sleep!). What matters is having ways to come back to yourself when things feel hard.
A few deep breaths, stepping outside for fresh air, asking for help, or lowering expectations for the day can all support your nervous system. And when your nervous system feels safer, it’s often easier to support your baby’s too.
Support Yourself Too
Responding to your baby’s needs isn’t the opposite of looking after yourself. Carrier naps, contact naps, accepting help, sharing nights with a partner, or choosing the easiest option on a hard day aren’t signs of failure. They’re often the very things that help families get through challenging seasons.
Your wellbeing matters. When parents feel more supported, resourced, and rested, it becomes easier to respond in the way they want to. Sleep isn’t just about the baby; it’s about the whole family system.
Set Realistic Expectations
One of the biggest sources of stress for parents is believing there is a timeline their baby should be following. The reality is that development isn’t linear. Sleep isn’t linear either. Some days your child will need more support. Other days they’ll surprise you with what they’re capable of. Capacity changes with development, temperament, illness, teething, learning new skills, and the countless other things happening in a growing child’s world.
Rather than focusing on independence, focus on creating an environment where your child feels safe, supported, and understood. From that foundation, sleep and regulation often become much easier to navigate.
Celebrate the Glimmers
Every small moment matters. Maybe your baby settles more quickly when they hear your voice, relaxes into your touch, pauses before calling out, or accepts comfort in a new way. These tiny shifts are meaningful signs that their nervous system is growing in capacity.
Shape the Environment
Rather than focusing on teaching your baby to self-soothe, focus on creating the conditions that support sleep. Nutrition, predictable routines, responsive caregiving, appropriate sleep timing, and a calming sleep environment all play a role. When babies feel safe and their needs are consistently met, they naturally develop more capacity over time. Development does the heavy lifting. Our role is to support it.
Forget the Pressure, Embrace the Process
Your baby’s growing ability to cope with challenges, transitions, and sleep doesn’t come from being left alone to figure it out. It develops through hundreds of experiences of being supported through hard moments. Sleep isn’t black and white. Some days your child will need more from you. Some days they’ll need less. Both are normal.
You can respond to your baby, honour their needs, and support healthy sleep habits at the same time. In fact, for many families, it is the safety of that support that creates the foundation for sleep to come more easily.
About Jen
Jen Cuttriss is a Registered Nurse, Parent Mentor, Sleep Coach, Mind-Body & EPNSR Practitioner, mum of three, and the host of Thriving Parent-ing. She helps families move from stress to steadiness at sleep times by creating nervous-system-friendly routines that foster rest, resilience, and connection. With a compassionate and practical approach, Jen blends evidence, intuition, and lived experience to guide parents through sleep challenges, emotional overwhelm, and family transitions. She believes that when parents thrive, children flourish, and family life feels lighter, calmer, and more connected.
www.sleepthrivegrow.com Instagram.com/@sleep_thrive_grow
