Stop the Battles: How Your Nervous System Shapes Parenting (whether we like it or not)
If parenting feels like an uphill battle most days, you’re not alone.
Whether it’s the meltdowns, the bedtime struggles, or that overwhelming sense that you should be coping better — there’s a reason it all feels so hard sometimes. And it's not because you're failing. It’s because your nervous system is calling the shots.
And the truth is, it’s shaping how you parent — whether you realise it or not.
What is the nervous system (and why should parents care)?
Your nervous system is the boss of how you experience the world. It includes your brain, your spinal cord, and all the nerves running throughout your body. But what makes it so important for parents is that most of its work happens below the surface, outside your conscious control.
The part of the nervous system that’s especially relevant for parenting is the autonomic nervous system. This system determines whether you feel safe and calm... or on edge and reactive.
And sitting right in the middle of that system? The vagus nerve – a powerful communication highway that tells your brain whether the world is safe or threatening.
Why your reactions aren’t “just” about willpower
Ever snapped at your child after promising yourself you’d stay calm? Or felt like you were doing everything “right” – yoga, meditation, self-care – but still found yourself on edge?
Dr Carrie Rigoni, a Perth-based chiropractor and vagus nerve specialist, explains it best:
“Up to 90% of our behaviours and habits are subconscious, and most are wired in before we even start school.”
So it’s not that you’re not trying hard enough — it’s that your nervous system is pattern-matching based on your early life experiences. When your child pushes a button, your body isn't choosing to overreact — it’s responding to what it thinks is a threat.
Familiar feels safer than calm
Here’s the twist: Your nervous system doesn’t actually care if a situation is safe. It just wants to feel familiar.
That’s why, even when you're trying to parent differently — with more presence, calm and connection — your body might keep pulling you back into old patterns. Shouting, shutting down, or trying to control your kids isn’t just about “bad habits” — it’s often your body doing what it knows.
Yes, the nervous system can change (but not overnight)
The good news? You’re not stuck.
But rewiring your nervous system isn’t a quick fix. It’s a slow, consistent process built on small, safe changes over time.
This might look like:
Taking a 10-minute walk each morning before the school rush
Pausing to notice a reaction before you respond
Breathing through a trigger rather than acting on it
Practicing self-compassion when you "stuff it up" (because you will)
As Dr Carrie says, “Your window of tolerance grows with tiny daily actions, not one-off efforts like a yoga class or deep breath.”
What about your child’s nervous system?
Here’s where things get even more interesting — and humbling.
Your child’s nervous system develops by mirroring yours.
If your body is in a constant state of stress or high alert, their body picks that up. Not because you're a bad parent, but because they're designed to learn the world through your energy.
That means your regulation becomes the foundation of their regulation.
So before trying to “fix” your child’s behaviour, it’s worth asking:
Am I regulated right now?
Is this about them... or about me?
What does my body need in this moment?
You don’t need to parent perfectly. You just need to be aware.
Here’s the real takeaway: You don’t have to get this right all the time. You won’t.
But if you can pause more often, get curious about your reactions, and respond with a little more compassion — for yourself and your child — that’s where the shift happens.
Parenting doesn't have to be a battle.
But learning to work with your nervous system instead of against it?
That might just be the most powerful parenting tool you’ve never been taught.
✨ You’re not broken. You’re just wired for survival. Let’s rewire for connection instead.
