How To Help Your Child Feel Safe With Their Feelings - And Yours Too
Parenting invites us into the deep end of human emotion. Some days we’re the steady anchor; other days we’re running on two hours’ sleep, juggling sick kids, moved meetings, and the microwave beeping at 9pm. In this conversation with clinical psychologist Dr Bianca Mastromanno, we unpack how to help children feel safe with their big feelings — while tending to our own.
Below, I’ve distilled the most practical ideas from our chat into a warm, usable guide you can return to whenever the emotions run high.
Why feelings feel hard (for them and for us)
Most of us grew up with unspoken “rules” about emotions: praise for being easy-going, discomfort around tears, “good girl/boy,” and “calm down.” Without anyone meaning harm, we absorbed the message that some feelings were welcome and others should be tucked away.
Dr Bianca calls this our meta-emotion philosophy — what we believe about feelings, often handed down across generations. If we learned to avoid, minimise, or rush emotions, it’s completely natural that our child’s big reaction lights up our nervous system.
Good news: you don’t need a perfect past to be a present parent. Awareness is the doorway. When we notice our own alarm bells and soften towards them, we create more space to meet our child with steadiness.
Emotion coaching starts with you
You’ll find a million “say this, not that” scripts online. Helpful? Sometimes. But kids sniff out inauthenticity. Effective emotion coaching flows from your regulation and values, not a memorised line.
Try these gentle reflections to locate your footing:
When I feel anxious/sad/overwhelmed, what do I usually do?
Growing up, which emotions felt “allowed” in my family? Which didn’t?
What compassion would my kindest mentor (or even the school crossing lady!) offer me right now?
A simple reframe for guilt helps, too: guilt points to your values — “I snapped because I care about connection.” Let guilt guide repair; don’t let it slide into shame.
Validation isn’t “rewarding bad behaviour”
A common worry is that acknowledging feelings will reinforce meltdowns. But young children aren’t strategising punishments and pay-offs — they’re drowning in sensations without the tools to cope.
Validation says: “Your feeling makes sense, and I’m with you.” It lowers the emotional temperature and builds the brain’s pathways between the feeling centre (amygdala) and the thinking centre (prefrontal cortex). Over time, that wiring supports problem-solving and self-control.
Validation doesn’t mean permissiveness. You can hold both:
Empathy: “You’re furious your sister took the blue cup.”
Boundary: “I won’t let you hit. I’ll hold your hands if I need to.”
Empathy calms; the boundary keeps everyone safe. That’s not reward — that’s containment.
The “overcorrection” trap: rescuing with kindness
Many modern parents swing away from criticism and land in rescue: distracting, fixing, or avoiding anything that might distress a child. It’s loving — and understandable — but it unintentionally tells kids, “Your feelings are too much to bear.”
Instead, aim for supportive exposure:
Let the puzzle piece be tricky for 30 seconds longer.
Stay beside the toddler who’s frustrated with the yoghurt lid.
Hold your nerve at the new swimming class: “It’s new, it’s wobbly, and you can do hard things. I’m right here.”
These micro-moments teach the essential truth: feelings rise, peak, and pass. Confidence grows not from never feeling scared, but from surviving the feeling with a safe adult nearby.
Presence over perfect words
Different kids need different things. Some settle when you name the feeling. Others bristle at labels and just need your quiet body nearby.
Use this simple ladder:
Safety first: “You’re safe. I’m safe. I’ve got you.”
Presence: sit close, breathe slower than they are.
Few words: “It’s a big feeling.”
After the storm: name, reflect, plan for next time.
If your child is in full overwhelm (the “flipped lid”), skip the lecture. Secure the boundary, ride it out together, and circle back later — even a day or two after — when their brain is available again.
Practical language you can adapt
Use these as tone guides, not scripts:
In the moment (toddler):
“Your body wants the thing right now. I’m here. I won’t let you hurt anyone. We can stomp together or cuddle.”In the moment (school-age):
“You wanted it to go another way. It’s okay to be angry. Let’s sit till your breathing slows, then we’ll sort it out.”After the storm:
“Yesterday was tough. Your face showed me you were furious. What helped? What could we try next time?”When anxiety shows up:
“New pools feel scary at first. Your brain shouts ‘danger’ until it learns the steps. We’ll face it together.”For yourself (anchor lines):
“Not an emergency.”
“Good enough is enough today.”
“Repair beats perfection.”
Boundaries that soothe, not shame
Boundaries are most regulating when they’re predictable, short, and kind:
“Books stay on the table. If they go on the floor again, I’ll pack them away till tomorrow.”
“Hands are not for hitting. If you’re swinging, I’ll hold your hands to keep us safe.”
Avoid threats, lectures, and moralising. The aim is safety and skill-building, not payback.
Pro tip: protect everyone’s capacity. Choose dinner times that suit your child’s window, keep expectations realistic, and bring your own steadiness by looking after sleep, food, and support where you can.
Repair is the secret sauce
You will get it wrong. We all do. What matters most is repair:
Own it: “I shouted. That was scary. I’m sorry.”
Name your feeling: “I was overloaded and I lost my calm.”
Reassure the bond: “You’re safe with me, even when I’m upset.”
Reset together: “Next time I’ll take breaths. What could help you?”
Research is kind here: we only need to be well-attuned about a third of the time for kids to internalise “My feelings matter, and people try to understand me.” Neuroplasticity does the rest.
Quick checklist for high-emotion moments
☐ Breathe first. Slow your exhale.
☐ Say less. Short, kind phrases beat lectures.
☐ Anchor safety. “I won’t let you hurt anyone.”
☐ Co-regulate. Sit close; offer a cuddle if welcomed.
☐ Wait the wave. Feelings have an exit.
☐ Circle back later. Debrief when calm; practise one tiny skill.
Final word
Helping a child feel safe with their feelings isn’t about magic phrases or flawless calm. It’s a thousand ordinary moments of staying near the storm without shutting it down or whisking it away. Some days that looks like quiet presence on the floor. Other days it’s a firm boundary delivered kindly. Always, it’s the long game of connection over control.
You’re not aiming for perfect. You’re teaching togetherness — and that lesson lasts a lifetime.
