⁠How to Transform Your Parenting Style with a Simple Pause

Welcome to another episode of Thriving Parent-ing! This episode delves into one of the most powerful parenting tools of all time—something I use skillfully and even teach my clients to transform their parenting experiences. Intrigued? Let’s dive in and explore the concept of “The Power of the Pause”.

Discovering the Power of the Pause

The parenting tool I am referring to is “the power of the pause”. Yes, it’s about actually doing less in a parenting moment: sitting back, getting curious, seeing, and assessing the situation. You likely already do this in situations where you feel in control or when things are going your way, like when your child is exploring new objects at the park or trying to climb something for the first time.

During these moments, you watch with intent, intently observing their responses and assessing what they need versus what they can figure out by themselves. This same approach can be useful in more stressful moments when your child’s behaviour creates a stress response in you.

Applying the Pause in Stressful Moments

We all have those moments when our child’s behaviour—whether it’s crying, tantrums, or any form of distress—triggers us. Our instinct is to react immediately, often escalating the situation. By pausing, we give ourselves space to avoid going into full reaction mode, where we might act on autopilot rather than with thoughtful intention.

Imagine a snow globe: when it’s settled, you can see straight through it with complete clarity. When it’s shaken, it’s a flurry of chaos, much like our minds and bodies during stress. Pausing allows the metaphorical snow to settle, so we can see the situation more clearly and respond in a more composed manner.

Subconscious Influences

Reflect on some of the habitual reactions you have as a parent. Often, these reactions are rooted in our own childhood experiences and the subconscious memories associated with them.

For example, if you weren’t allowed to bounce a ball in the house as a child, you might find yourself snapping when your child does the same thing before you even think about it. It’s essential to take a pause and reflect on whether these reactions are serving you and your child now, or if they’re just knee-jerk responses based on outdated rules.

The Mind-Body Connection

Our minds and bodies are interconnected. Stress responses can manifest physically as tense muscles, fast heart rate, or sweating, making it difficult to think clearly. Pausing allows us to check in with our bodies, calm our nerves, and then bring our higher thinking brain back online.

This conscious pause helps us to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively. We can assess the true nature of the situation—is it really an emergency, or is it a moment that can pass with a little guidance and patience?

Practising Mindful Parenting

Pausing offers a mindful moment in parenting. It brings awareness and intention to our reactions, allowing us to step out of autopilot mode. This approach benefits both us and our children. We start to see and interpret our children’s non-verbal cues better, and become more aware of our thoughts and body sensations.

A regulated parent can co-regulate a dysregulated child. Kids pick up on our emotional states, so maintaining our calm helps them return to a state of calm more quickly.

Real-Life Example: Pausing During Sleep Transitions

One powerful example of the pause comes from working with a mother (my client) and her 10-month-old daughter. During sleep transitions, the baby cried, and the mother’s instinct was to rush in. Instead, we practised pausing. We observed the baby for three minutes, which allowed her the chance to self-soothe and return to sleep without intervention.

This pause moment was pivotal. It showed that not every cry required an immediate response and demonstrated the child’s ability to self-settle. It also helped the mother regulate her own stress response, reinforcing the importance of the pause for both parent and child.

Embracing All Emotions

We must acknowledge that every emotion our children express—whether it’s joy, sadness, anger, or curiosity—is valid and a part of their learning. As parents, our role is to guide them in understanding and expressing these emotions healthily. By pausing, we can support them through their emotional experiences rather than trying to fix or suppress them.

Mindfulness in Parenting

Mindfulness means paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally. Practising this in our daily lives can profoundly impact our parenting. It helps us act with intention, demonstrate healthy emotion regulation to our children, and ultimately build a healthier, more understanding parent-child relationship.

The power of the pause is an immensely valuable tool that can transform your parenting approach and improve your relationship with your children. While it takes practice and conscious effort, the benefits are worth it. Next time you find yourself in a reactive state, take a moment to pause, breathe, and choose a response that aligns with your parenting goals.

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way on purpose in the present moment and non-judgmental”

Until next time, Thrivers. Embrace the pause, and let its power enhance your parenting journey.