A Growth vs a Fixed Mindset In Parenting – How To Overcome Challenges And Boost Your Parenting Ability

Our mindset can be a powerful tool when it comes to the quality and fulfilment in life, and the research backs this up. Carol Dweck, a professor of psychology, has spent the last 30 years researching people’s beliefs about their abilities and concluded that there are two main categories that people fall into - those with a fixed mindset and those with a growth mindset. 

People with a fixed mindset tend to believe that their abilities and intelligence are static traits and cannot be changed, whereas people with a growth mindset believe that they can develop and improve their abilities through effort, learning and perseverance. 

When we apply this to parenting it’s the difference between staying stuck or embracing the journey as an opportunity for growth. 

One area of parenting in which this difference of mindset plays out is when it comes to challenges. In parenting (and life), we face challenges all the time. Just when we think we have a handle of things, BOOM! Another one comes! With a fixed mindset we can label these challenges as ‘struggles’ with no end or change in sight. This word alone holds a lot of power in shaping a belief that it’s impossible or that it’s too hard to move through this. It’s much easier to talk ourselves out of change and improvements, make excuses why we can't change, be crippled by fear and therefore underestimate ourselves and doubt our parenting abilities. However, we have more control than we think! By approaching challenges with a growth mindset, we are already on the path to progress, seeing them as opportunities to learn, improve and ultimately overcome them. 

The same applies when facing obstacles; with a fixed mindset, we’ give up easily. We place it in the too hard basket. With a growth mindset, we have more drive to persist in the face of setbacks. It’s through this persistence that we get to experience the most amazing breakthroughs and can improve our own existence.

When I was a first-time mum, I was so nervous to put my son in the carrier and go for a walk! Subconsciously I was disregarding my ability as a parent to manage and cope, and I was validating this by telling myself it couldn’t work, I can't do this, we can’t do this, it will be a disaster, people will look at me because i’m doing it all wrong, if he cries i failed! It took support from my mum to believe in me first, to help me begin to shift away from this fixed mindset I had adopted, into a growth mindset. A mindset that made it ok to focus on trying and learning, not to necessarily get it right (however getting it right looks). This shift allowed me to persevere and overcome this obstacle. Support from someone you trust, and a new perspective can make all the difference when you see your fears and fixed mindset beginning to run the show! 

Another element of parenting where these mindset differences manifest is when it comes to effort. With a fixed mindset, effort feels pointless because we believe that no matter how much effort we put in we’ll end up with the same results. Whereas with a growth mindset, we see effort as the path to mastery.

This can also relate to criticism. With a fixed mindset, we ignore negative feedback and act defensive in the face of criticism, shutting down advice and becoming a victim of our own walls that we’ve created for ourselves. With a growth mindset, we’ll naturally be more open-minded when it comes to advice, suggestions and “negative” feedback, allowing it to shift our perspectives and lead us to new ways of doing things or feeling about something. 

This difference in mindset also comes into play when it comes to how we view the success of others. With a fixed mindset, we may view others’ success as a threat, allowing it to mirror our own discomfort in this area, highlighting where we are not living up to our full potential. With a growth mindset, however, we use the success of others as a source of curiosity and inspiration. For example, if someone else’s child is sleeping well and yours isn’t, you can see this as an encouraging piece of information and use it to inspire you to keep exploring and experimenting. You can even use it to get curious as to why certain things are triggering you, to identify what’s lying underneath it and shift this.

Another example of how a fixed mindset could be holding you back in parenting is when it comes to feelings around sleep and stress. With a fixed mindset, you may think that any stress whatsoever is bad for your baby, which could lead you to shut off things that could help your circumstances, whereas in fact short-term stress can actually be really positive and help build your baby’s nervous system and regulation. By having a growth mindset and being open-minded to reframing your thoughts around this, you can ultimately find more ease in your parenting. 

It can help reduce our own stress in parenting, because it takes away the feeling of responsibility of having to protect them from any kinds of stressful experiences.

When it comes to having a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset, mindset, Dr. Crumb, also a professor of psychology, identified four main areas that shape this in us. Firstly, our mindsets are shaped in our upbringing and therefore a lot of how we think can be attributed to how our parents thought and behaved while we were growing up. Get curious about your parents’ language and beliefs, and how this might be playing out in your mindset now. 

Another influence on this is culture and media, and the messaged we absorb from podcasts, books and social media. It’s easy to fall victim to material that perpetuates the idea that there is just one way to do things in parenting, especially when we are in a vulnerable place of being a new parent, so it’s important to tune into our own feelings and thoughts around how we want to do things and what feels true to us. 

Another factor is ‘others’, including people such as doctors, close friends and peers, as we are inevitably influenced by those around us when it comes to parenting approaches. It’s important to remain open-minded and willing to be flexible and pivot if a particular approach isn’t working for you, allowing yourself to change your mind and evolve in your parenting. 

The fourth area Dr. Crumb identified as shaping our mindset is our conscious choice. You have the power to make deliberate, intentional decisions, and to make change possible.

So when it comes to creating and nurturing a growth mindset, my first piece of advice is to challenge it. When you feel something’s a ‘no’ or if you’re facing an obstacle in your parenting, dig deeper and challenge that feeling for its truth - is it a no or do you just not quite have the tools, knowledge or support to make it a yes right now?

Secondly, I advise reframing seeing ‘struggles’ as ‘challenges’. Challenges are an inevitable part of parenting and, by viewing them as something that’s possible to overcome, they become opportunities for growth and change.  

And finally, to embrace a growth mindset in your parenting, don’t put yourself or your child in a box and see everything as an opportunity, because every day is a new start to explore, experiment and experience things differently. When it comes to my clients and their baby’s sleep, for example, every sleep is a new opportunity to learn something, reflect on it, and experiment with something else next time. 

As Carol Dweck said, “if parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repairs their own confidence.”

For more support, just like this, check out my Thriving Parent-ing podcast here 

To check out the show notes for Episode 1, Why Having Self-Soothing As Your Baby’s Sleep Goal Is Your Parenting Nemesis, and What To Focus On Instead, click here

To check out the show notes for Episode 2, 5 Things Holding You Back In Parenting, And Actionable Steps You Can Take When Parenting Just Feels Hard, click here 

For my Sleep Godmother Program, my most tailored sleep program going beyond sleep itself, click here 

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