5 Areas Holding You Back In Parenting, And Actionable Steps You Can Take When Parenting Just Feels Hard

There’s no escaping the fact that sometimes parenting just feels hard, and there are many valid reasons for this. Without stating the obvious, we are doing this without any prior experience so, just like starting a new job or learning to drive, we are facing new hurdles every single day in parenting. Even when we make progress with certain elements, things are constantly changing and, just like our children, we too are learning, growing and evolving alongside them.

This is exacerbated by the many roles and existences we have outside of parenting, the fact we’re sleep-deprived a lot of the time, and the fact that we are literally raising human beings from scratch - it’s no easy task! However, we have the power to shift our mindset when it comes to this and can choose to focus on how amazing it is to be raising a human being in this way, having the opportunity to shape the person they become. 

Our brains are negatively wired, because our subconscious is always trying to keep us safe, but this can sometimes be the very thing which keeps us stuck. We have 50,000 - 70,000 thoughts a day and within that, 90% are the same as yesterday, so that means if we are constantly focusing on how hard parenting is we’re going to be stuck in that pattern again and again.

By consciously reframing and being aware of our thought processes, we have the power to make our brains and bodies start to think and feel differently. As well as honouring the fact that it is hard, we can also honour the fact that it is great. 

An example of a time I intentionally and purposefully reframed my thinking in my early mothering was when I noticed that I was starting every day with resistance to being woken up by my baby alarm clock! ;) Even though it was an undeniably cute one, I was resentful of not being able to get up when I wanted to…how it used to be! I realised that I was resisting this life change and lacking acceptance. I was feeling out of control and constantly filling my head with negative thoughts…one morning I decided that was enough! It was not how I wanted to continue to show up for me or my son, so I took back the power and actively began shifting my mindset! Thinking new thoughts like, how lucky am I that I get to raise this amazing little person? How lucky I am that he starts his day wanting to see me? How cool is that! 

Yes, it took motivation, some fake it until I made it for sure, and some days were harder than others, but I chose to take control of my own thoughts, reframe them and carry that into my day, creating a more positive experience for both me and my son. Instead of feeling like I had no choice or control, I made a conscious effort to place my oxygen mask on first with small changes to my morning routine and thoughts before attending to my son. 

What a difference this made! 

The lesson here is what we think and say matters – it literally resonates within the cells of our body and creates a state of being. 

So why does parenting feel so hard and what can we do about it? 

One of the main reasons parenting feels so hard is because of the loss of control and the lack of freedom that comes with it, and ironically, the more we try to resist this, the harder it feels. Ultimately, our baby’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours are not within our scope of control, so what we can focus on instead are our own responses and behaviour. You can’t control your baby’s sleep process, but you can control the sleep lead up. You can’t control it when things don’t go to plan, but you can control your response to that situation. Introduce routines and patterns within what you can control and relinquish what you can’t. 

Another reason why parenting sometimes feels hard is that we are holding on to our old existence too tightly, which can cause resistance and resentment towards our new existence. By working on accepting our current reality and the fact that life has changed, we can allow ourselves the space and time to adapt to this. From this place, we can start to identify what elements of our old existence we miss, such as the freedom we had or the social side, and look at how we can bring these elements into our new reality.

Going back to my example of how I used to start my mornings when my first child was a baby, one way I found that I could honour my old existence that I was missing in those times, making it feel so hard, was to take a moment to myself. I did this by getting up before him, laying in bed awake if i chose, having a shower, 10- minutes of exercise or a meditation. I became more comfortable with leaving him there for a few minutes when he was happy and awake, not becoming a reactive parent but instead a more regulated one. This small change of mindset and these few moments helped me reframe the situation and feel more in control. 

Another reason why parenting can feel hard is the loss of spontaneity and, ironic though it is, sometimes an element of planning can help us meet our need for this. For example, I used to make sure I had a boot full of everything needed for different eventualities, such as going to the beach or taking the kids for a cycle, which meant that when opportunities arose for more flexibility and freedom, I could take them and meet that need in myself. By recognising I valued spontaneity, I put things in place to be able to bring an element of this into my new existence as a parent. 

A fourth reason why parenting can feel harder than it needs to be is that we can lose respect for ourselves, giving ourselves up to the parenting gods and forgetting that we also have needs of our own. It’s important to speak up and assert your needs, to bring about changes and honour yourself in these instances. An example of not having self-respect in parenting is if you continually rock your baby whilst in physical pain from it; you can still be present and supportive of your child whilst not disrespecting yourself and your own needs as a human, and this will ultimately help you find more ease in your parenting. 

Lastly, another reason why parenting can sometimes feel hard is when we lack a sense of belonging. As social beings, we have a need to be in places where we feel accepted and supported, to help us through the harder moments and to relate to other people going through the same. Seek out healthy groups that will bring out the best in you, acknowledging the hard parts whilst helping you reframe these to make things easier. Having a place where you belong in your parenting journey, be it in social groups or online, can be your anchor. 

“I know it’s hard mama. I know it can be hard to get up every day and have little people rely on you. I know it’s hard to feel like sometimes your world is so small. I want to remind you that you are the world. You are the world that those little ones revolve around. You are their nurture, their home, their comfort. You are everything to them and I hope that even on the hard days, you know how special you are.”

And I want to add to this quote that I hope that even on the hard days, you know how important you are and how you can look after yourself, especially to your little people. 

For more support, just like this, check out my Thriving Parent-ing podcast here 

To check out the show notes for Episode 1, Why Having Self-Soothing As Your Baby’s Sleep Goal Is Your Parenting Nemesis, and What To Focus On Instead, click here

To check out the show notes for Episode 3, A Growth vs a Fixed Mindset In Parenting – How To Overcome Challenges And Boost Your Parenting Ability, click here 

For my Sleep Godmother Program, my most tailored sleep program going beyond sleep itself, click here 

To connect with me on Instagram, click here