The Secret To Seeing Lasting Change In Life and Parenting

We’re all familiar with the phrase, “where there’s a will, there’s a way” and, when it comes to making changes in parenting and throughout our lives, we need both a strong will and a clear way, to achieve successful change that lasts.  

One desire we all share as parents, is to create the best possible life for our children, to provide love and support, and to create an environment for them to thrive. We all have this will but we also need the way, and this is the need to adapt and evolve as our children grow. We cannot parent a newborn the same way we parent a teenager; we need to learn new parenting strategies, prioritise different things, and make tweaks and pivots along the way to adapt to our children’s changes and growth.

It's natural to sometimes fight or resist these changes, especially at those times when parenting just feels hard, and therefore it’s crucial that in these moments we get clear on our will behind this change, because this will be the driving force behind making it happen. What things are just not working for us anymore? Are we not enjoying life like we once did?

Once we have got clear on the will and the desire behind the change we want to make, we can then focus on the way. Our way is the actionable steps that we can take to make this change. This applies to all areas of life, not just parenting; for example, if you wanted to make a change to stop drinking mid-week, your will, your desire to make this change, might be because you are noticing changes in your health, you’re waking up foggy and you’re not showing up in your life the way you want to. The way, the actionable steps to make this happen, might include dropping down by one glass of wine a night at first. This small stepping-stone towards your goal creates an opportunity for a mini win on this path to change, and we need these small wins as rewards for this step forward to our longer-term end goal. 

Applying this to an example within parenting, perhaps you’ve noticed you’re shouting at your children all the time, and therefore you have the motivation and the will to change this because you’re seeing the impact on them and it doesn’t make you feel good either. Whilst this desire may be strong, if you’ve not identified the way that you’re going to make this change, the next time you’re triggered you’ll find yourself revisiting the same response and feeling like you’re failing in making this change you desire. By also identifying your way, you have thought about what you are going to do differently in these instances, such as using a tool like pausing before responding, taking a breath (or three) making an active conscious step to respond differently. Using a combination of motivation and tools you’ll find that you have far more success in implementing this change.

This works both ways, because if you have a clear way but not a true will to make a certain change, the change will be harder to achieve and it won’t be long-lasting. I saw this with a client I once worked with, who wanted to end co-sleeping with her baby during the night. Although she had sought my help and we were working together on making this change, I could sense some resistance from her on this. It transpired that, whilst she did have some motivation to change this habit because she didn’t want to repeat what had happened with her older child, where they had made this transition later on and it was challenging, she was actually quite happy with the current situation and therefore didn’t have a strong enough will to want to make that change.

This is a key nuance because sometimes it’s ok to surrender to the moment and accept the current situation for what it is right now, to have self-compassion for this, and to acknowledge that you’re exactly where you need to be right now.

Another element that can block your will is limiting beliefs. If you have the desire for change, but deep down you don’t truly believe that it is possible or that your baby is capable of anything different, then to make this change you firstly need to identify why you hold that belief, and then break down and unblock this belief before you can move forward with making the desired change.

When we work on our will and our way, we can do anything.

Let’s take Arunima Sinha, the first female amputee to climb Mount Everest, as inspiration for this. Arunima lost her leg in a car accident, but she was so determined! She had such a high will to accomplish her goal, she put the actions in place to achieve her goal and succeeded. JK Rowling too, the author of the phenomenon that is the Harry Potter series, experienced rejection from publishers time and time again, but she had in place her strong will and her strong way, leading her to the huge success she is today.

Take the time to reflect on your journey and your life, and where you want to guide yourself towards something different; what steps are you going to take to navigate the ever-changing life of parenting? What do you need in your toolbox to take you through to the next phase of life?

You are not alone in this evolution. I too am navigating new things every day (especially now I’m parenting tweens!) and having to adapt my old ways to how my children are changing and growing. I don’t always get it right but my motivation, my will, is to keep that connection going with my kids and to create a loving, supportive family environment, that both my kids and I can thrive in.

“If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it.

We have tomorrow for a reason.”

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