Parenting from the Inside Out: Overcoming Barriers to Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids
Parenting can feel overwhelming, especially with modern pressures and the constant flow of information on how to “do it right.” In today’s world, many parents face societal expectations, a flood of advice on social media, and the desire to raise emotionally healthy children. While these can provide useful resources, they also bring new challenges, leaving parents feeling like they need to be perfect. But Dr. Bianca Mastromano, a clinical perinatal psychologist and mother of two, brings a refreshing message to the table: good enough is good enough.
In our latest podcast episode, Dr. Bianca shared her insights on how parents can cultivate emotional awareness, set healthy boundaries, and navigate the ups and downs of parenting with self-compassion. Here are some key takeaways from her conversation on how to thrive as parents without the pressure of perfection.
The Journey from Forensics to Parenting Support
Dr. Bianca’s background in forensic psychology led her to notice a gap in the early support provided to parents. Through her work, she saw the long-term effects of overlooked emotional and social development, which often contributes to more complex challenges later in life. This sparked her passion for perinatal psychology—supporting parents as they journey through conception, birth, and early parenthood. “We really send parents into parenthood blind,” she reflects, emphasising the importance of equipping parents with emotional tools early on.
The Foundation of Resilient Parenting
One of the main ideas Dr. Bianca shared is the concept of emotion coaching. Emotion coaching is about recognising, validating, and helping children understand their feelings, even when they’re overwhelming. This approach allows children to build resilience and emotional intelligence, setting a foundation for healthy relationships and well-being.
But what does this look like in practice? Here are the key steps:
Notice the Emotion – Start by recognising what your child might be feeling.
Validate and Name the Emotion – Reflect that feeling back, helping your child put a name to it. For example, “I can see you’re really frustrated that your toy broke.”
Provide Connection Without Trying to Fix – Show empathy without rushing to solve the problem, allowing your child to experience the feeling and understand it.
The beauty of emotion coaching is that it’s flexible and doesn’t require a script. It’s all about connection, validation, and providing the space for children to process what they’re going through.
Balancing Boundaries with Empathy
While emotion coaching helps us be there for our children’s feelings, Dr. Bianca is clear that boundaries are still essential. Boundaries offer a sense of safety and consistency. Children thrive with predictability, so having set limits around things like bedtime or screen time can be healthy, even if children resist them. “We have to maintain boundaries, knowing there may be an emotional reaction, and that’s okay,” she explains.
It’s easy for parents to feel guilty if their child gets upset about a boundary, but allowing children to experience disappointment or frustration is actually a valuable lesson. Parents can both uphold boundaries and show empathy by acknowledging, “I know you wanted more screen time, and it’s disappointing that we can’t keep watching. I understand it’s hard.” This way, you support your child’s emotions without bending the rules.
Letting Go of the Pressure to Be Perfect
Today’s parents are bombarded by “perfect parenting” messages, making it difficult to trust their instincts. Social media, family, and friends may unwittingly feed into this pressure by offering opinions or sharing “highlight reel” parenting moments.
Dr. Bianca emphasises the importance of recognising our own triggers and setting boundaries around what we consume. “If social media is a source of stress, consider limiting your time on it. We don’t need to strive for perfection; good enough really is good enough.”
She also encourages parents to lean into their intuition. For example, she explains that children benefit more from parents who make time to connect than from those who are constantly striving to “fix” every little problem. Most importantly, parents should be gentle with themselves. Even if you get it “right” only one-third of the time, research shows that this is enough to support your child’s emotional development.
Repairing When Things Go Wrong
One of the most powerful aspects of parenting, according to Dr. Bianca, is the concept of “rupture and repair.” Every parent will have moments when they lose patience or act reactively. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent. In fact, these moments provide valuable opportunities for repair. “It’s not about avoiding every mistake,” she says, “but about going back and acknowledging when we’ve made one.” Repairing a relationship can be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I was feeling frustrated, but it wasn’t your fault.”
Repair reinforces trust and teaches children that it’s okay to make mistakes and to own them. This approach not only helps children feel safe but also strengthens their resilience.
Recognising the Impact of Childhood Experiences on Parenting
As parents, our own childhood experiences inevitably shape our reactions. Dr. Bianca encourages parents to reflect on these experiences and notice any patterns they don’t want to pass on. For example, if you grew up feeling that anger was unsafe, you might struggle to accept your child’s anger without feeling anxious.
Reflecting on these experiences can be as simple as journaling: “What did I learn about anger as a child? How does that affect how I react to my child’s anger?” With awareness, we can begin to rewrite these stories and show up for our children in a way that’s aligned with our values rather than our triggers.
Embracing the Beauty of Imperfect Parenting
Dr. Bianca’s insights remind us that parenting is not about being flawless; it’s about showing up with empathy and resilience. “Children are so much more resilient and robust than we give them credit for,” she says. And with emotion coaching, setting healthy boundaries, and being open to repair, we can build strong, trusting relationships with our children.
Parenting is an evolving journey, full of both joy and challenge. Let’s celebrate the fact that perfection isn’t the goal—connection is. By taking it one day at a time and giving ourselves the grace to grow alongside our children, we can thrive in this beautifully imperfect role.
If you’re looking for more insights on parenting with compassion, follow Dr. Bianca on Instagram @drbiancamastromano or visit her website at drbiancamastromano.com.au.
“Almost every rupture can be repaired.” – Dr. Bianca Mastromano