From Yelling to Healing: Understanding Anger in Modern Parenting
In today's episode, host Jen engages in a heartfelt conversation with her guest, Steph, about a topic that often remains in the shadows – anger in motherhood. Together, they delve deep into personal stories, societal expectations, and practical tips for coping with and understanding anger as a parent.
About Steph Beers
Steph lives in Darwin with her husband and 3 children. After a rocky road into motherhood, she landed in shadow work and motherhood coaching, helping other mums reclaim their identities as mums, cut the yelling and heal their trauma so they can become the mother they always pictured themselves as.
Find out more about Steph’s work and her latest program Healing You 2.0 | 6-month program here:
https://www.instagram.com/stephbeers_/
A Societal Shadow
The conversation begins with Jen expressing her excitement about discussing what might be considered a ‘taboo’ topic – the interplay between anger and motherhood. Steph acknowledges the taboo, agreeing that anger is often swept under the rug in parenting discussions. Jen frames the discussion as a pathway to help mums stop beating themselves up and start accepting their feelings as natural and manageable.
Understanding Anger in Parenting
Steph explains that, for her, anger is a secondary emotion, a cover-up for deeper feelings such as hurt, guilt, remorse, or sadness. When she experiences anger – or when her clients do – she encourages them to explore what lies beneath that anger. This exploration often reveals unaddressed, more painful emotions that the nervous system is trying to avoid dealing with directly.
Jen relates by discussing the overwhelm and administrative load mothers carry, using her own family dynamics as an example. Steph points out that mums often neglect their own needs, leading to a full nervous system capacity and subsequent anger. It's in these moments of overwhelm that boundaries are crucial. They discuss how mothers often feel shamed for feeling angry, further deepening their struggles.
From Shame to Acceptance
Both Jen and Steph agree that society has long given mixed messages about motherhood and emotions. There's a cultural narrative that glorifies the constant hustle over genuine self-care. They touch on how societal conditioning has taught mums to feel guilty for feeling emotions like anger.
Jen acknowledges how societal acceptance of ‘having it all together’ contrasts with the reality of messy, emotional parenting. Social media can often provide a distorted view of parenting perfection, creating unrealistic standards. Instead of fostering guilt and shame, Jen and Steph emphasize the importance of self-awareness, curiosity, and acceptance of all emotions as natural and human.
Breaking the Cycle: Personal Journeys
Jen invites Steph to share her personal story. Steph recounts how she moved from being overwhelmed and angry, feeling imposter syndrome as a sleep consultant unable to help her own daughter sleep, to finding peace through self-work. Basic steps like exploring shadow work and engaging in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) allowed her to begin healing.
Through shadow work, Steph discovered how unresolved issues from childhood can impact parenting. By learning to love and accept parts of herself she once hid away, she began managing her emotions more effectively. She highlights the importance of accepting every emotion – good or bad – to experience the full spectrum of human feelings.
Practical Tips for Parents
Jen steers the conversation toward practical tips for parents struggling with anger. They discuss how important it is to meet your needs, identify triggers, and find activities that fill your cup. Steph suggests practical tools including:
Exercise: Physical activity can be an effective outlet for pent-up emotions.
Self-care: Simple acts like doing your hair, getting your nails done, or putting on makeup can boost your self-esteem.
Asking for Help: Reaching out to friends, family, or even hiring help can provide necessary relief.
Open Communication: Talk to your partner about your struggles and how they can help.
Managing Family Dynamics
Steph and Jen dive into the importance of managing family dynamics and roles. When mothers take on too much, it can lead to resentment and burnout. By sharing responsibilities with partners and involving children in household tasks, families can build resilience together.
They touch on the delicate balance of parenting styles, mentioning how boundaries should be firm yet gentle. Different children may require different approaches, challenging the one-size-fits-all parenting models. Steph prefers the term “respectful parenting,” emphasizing that while children should respect their parents, the converse should also be true.
Reflecting on Personal Growth
The podcast culminates in a reflection of personal growth. Both Jen and Steph discuss how self-work has led them to better relationships with their spouses and children. As they embrace their own needs, they model emotional intelligence and self-respect for their kids.
As the podcast wraps up, Steph leaves listeners with two poignant quotes:
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." - A reminder that if you want different outcomes, you need to take action.
"If things aren’t going well, get up and move. You’re not a tree." - An encouragement to take control of your situation and make necessary changes.
Through this candid conversation, Jen and Steph highlight the importance of addressing anger in parenting. By sharing their personal journeys and practical advice, they offer a beacon of hope and understanding to parents navigating similar challenges. This podcast episode serves as a reminder that it's okay to feel every emotion, and through self-awareness and acceptance, we can all become better parents and individuals.
For more insights on parenting and emotional wellbeing, be sure to follow the Thriving Parenting podcast and connect with Steph through her various platforms. Together, let's continue to thrive as parents and embrace the full spectrum of our emotions.